[mass noun] the belief in, and worship of, a superhuman controlling power, especially (but not specifically) a personal god or gods.
"ideas about the relationship between science and religion"
[count noun] a particular system of faith and worship.
"the greatest religions in the world"
[count noun] a pursuit or interest followed with great devotion.
"consumerism is the new religion"
origin middle english (originally in the sense ‘life under monastic vows’): from old French, or from latin religio-(n) – ‘obligation, bond,reverence’, perhaps based on latin religare – ‘to bind’
may I take your order prease?*
(*although the author is fully aware of the vast and intricate network of classification systems used to accommodate the world’s global ‘tower of babylon’-crisis, he has decided to limit his exploration and opinions to forms of religions and sects which fascinate him for whatever reason.
So try to not be a smart alec and yack on about eastern Chinese and Indian subsects, or African diasporic religions, or monotheistic abrahamic religions and proper classification accordingly. Wise-ass)
PREASE ORDA BY NAMBA
item namba 01. christianity noun
[mass noun] the religion based on the person and teachings of jesus christ, or its beliefs and practices.
christian quality or character
"one knows a man by his christianity"
the oxford has the following to say on christianity:
christianity is today the world's most widespread religion, with more than a billion members, mainly divided between the roman catholic, protestant, and eastern orthodox churches. it originated among the jewish followers of jesus of nazareth, the self-proclaimed promised messiah (or christ), but the christian church soon became an independent organization, largely through the missionary efforts of st paul. in 313ad, constantine ended official persecution in the roman empire, and in 380ad theodosius I recognized it as the state religion. most christians believe in one god in three persons (the father, son, and holy spirit), and that jesus is the son of god who rose from the dead after being crucified. a christian hopes to attain eternal life after death through faith in jesus christ and tries to live by his teachings as recorded in the new testament.
and might i add:
even though this might be the most widespread religion, there are approximately 38,000 denominations worldwide, varying so greatly as to not recognisably have any homogeneous elements (try comparing the doctrines of 'the old apostolic church of africa' to those of the Mormons' 'church of the latter day saints'). furthermore, statistics released by the economist (us) state that, worldwide, church attendance has decline from 10.2% of the adult population in 1980, to 7.7% in 2000.
books to read: the bible; dante's 'inferno'
movies to see: the passion; religilous
general gist: be good, and you'll get your just reward. be bad, and you'll burn forever in the fiery pits of hell like the born-with-original-sin vermin that you are.
item namba 02. islam noun
[mass noun] the religion of the muslims, a monotheistic faith regarded as revealed through muhammad as the prophet of allah
the oxford has the following to say on islam:
founded in the arabian peninsula in the 7th century ad, islam is now the professed faith of nearly a billion people world wide, particularly in north africa, the middle east, and parts of asia. the ritual observances and moral code of islam were said to have been given to mohammad as a series of revelations, which were codified in the koran. islam is regarded by its adherents as the last of the revealed religions, and muhammad is seen as the last of the prophets, building on and perfecting the examples and teachings of abraham, moses, and jesus. there are two major branches in islam, sunni and shia (or sonny and cher. bwhahahahaha)
and might i add:
christianity might claim to be the most widespread, with 1 billion members, but tailing not far behind is islam. the obvious difference being that islam remained islam throughout. there's no koran-bashing southern belt islam healers in the deep south. have any of you had two arabs knocking at your door offering to help you look for allah? has the koran ever been translated into victorian english to keep attendance up? let's just sit back and ask ourselves who the actual biggest religion in the world currently is? gasp! right?
books to read: the koran; salinger's 'catcher in the rye'
movies to see: that south park episode where they show a cartoon image of the prophet mohammad; religilous
general gist: kill all infidels. virgins waiting at the pearly gates!
item namba 03. judaism noun
[mass noun] the monotheistic religion of the jews.
our humble apologies:
this item has been cut from the menu due to various factors including (but not exclusive to) the fact that only about 13 million people practise it worldwide; you sort of have to be born a jew to be one; their kitchens are kosher; their women are overbearing; and last, (certainly not the least) their men cut the tips off their penises! strange bunch. stay away.
books to read: the torah; talmud; circumcision and you- a user's guide
movies to see: yentl; fiddler on the roof; the passion
general gist: great if you love gefilte fish and hate christmas. you do the math
item namba 04. buddhism noun
[mass noun] a widespread asian religion or philosophy founded by siddartha gautama in north-east india 5bc.
the oxford has the following to say on buddhism:
buddhism has no god, and gives a central role to the doctrine of karma. the 'four noble truths' of buddhism state that: i)all existence is suffering; ii)the cause of suffering is desire; iii)freedom from suffering is nirvana; and iv) nirvana is attained through the "eightfold path" of 1.)ethical conduct; 2.) wisdom and 3.) mental discipline (including meditiation). there are two major traditions in buddhism: theravada & mahayana.
theravada
the more conservative of the two. developed from hinayana buddhism.
mahayana
typically concerned with personal spiritual practice and the ideal of the bodhisattva
bodhisattva
one who is able to reach nirvana but delays doing so through compassion for suffering beings
nirvana
a transcendent state in which there is no suffering, desire, or sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma. it represents the ultimate goal of buddhism. an ideal or idyllic state or place.
karma
the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences
and might i add:
say goodbye to your folks and friends. this is an all consuming religion [that demands to not be called a religion] of abstinence. oh, and they make you cut your hair funny, wear the ugliest shade of orange robes and sing hare krishna songs while tinkering on a thumb-symbal and prancing though klerksdorp's main street, so have fun!
books to read: no reading allowed. meditate bitch!
movies to see: as above
general gist: ugh... words fail. let's just say there's no end to the extremes these little drama queens would go to to make a point. nirvana indeed.
more exciting religions and gods for you to praise will be added soon.
watch this space.
hint: if you're still undecided and worried about the eternal damnaation of your as yet undecided soul, until my next additions you are now agnostic. (i'll explain later.)
right
to continue (later that afternoon...)
two schools of thought relating to christianity have to first be dealt with before exploring other options on the menu
item namba 05. atheism noun
[mass noun] the theory or belief that God does not exist.
and might i add: this term, in its broader sense, is almost exclusively used by christians to brand their heathen counterparts. technically it could mean lack of belief in any form of deity whatsoever, but atheists themselves seem to want to make it clear that they choose to hang this little lable on their rear-view mirrors to actively deny that God (you know, the guy from 'the bible') exist. one kinda gets the feeling that they would be at a loss to define themselves objectively, and can only do it in relation to those damn ignorant christians they so actively despise. bunch of wankers, all of 'em.
books to read:: Oolon Coluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters: where God went wrong; some more of God's mistakes; and who is this God person anyway?
movies to see: egoli - the movie (serves you right)
general gist: already said it. bunch o' wankers.
now...
item namba 06. agnosticism noun
[mass noun] the theory or belief that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God (note, again, capital 'G').
and might i add: that claiming the inability to either confirm or deny the existence of God (or any deity for that matter), seems to make these people think they can 'have their cake, and eat it'. nothing could be further from the truth, in my opinion. let me address directly those of you who think you can just sit on the fence and squint in the sun as the butterflies flit past your pretty lashes: PRESS SEND/RECEIVE you assholes!
'oooh, gerald and i are agnostic. the church and its doctrines have become so archaic and what with all the controversy surrounding all those catholic priests... but, just in case God arrives on some huge motherfucker cloud tomorrow, million trumpets a-blazing, brandishing swords and looking to strike down with vengeance and furious anger those who failed him... you know, we could always claim that we never actually said that we did NOT believe he existed either. Right?'
oh yeah, and by the way: if a tree fell in the woods and you weren't there to see or hear it, OF COURSE IT FUCKING FELL IN THE WOODS! schmucks.
books to read: green eggs and ham
movies to see: in a new york minute
general gist: already said it. schmucks.
moving onto
item namba 07. scientlogy noun
[mass noun][trademark] a religious system based on the seeking of self-knowledge and spiritual fulfilment through graded courses of study and training. it was founded by american science-fiction writer l. ron hubbard in 1955.
and might i add: that all i need to say other than that, is that this is a cult, not a religion, which has as its overlord a real badass called 'xenu the galactic overlord', is followed by douche-celebrities we all know and insists that it's not a church, even though it's called the 'church of scientology'. also, not to be outdone by those molesting catholics, strong rumour has it that old ron hubbard was quite partial to his young boys too.
convinced? follow this link, http://stopscientology.blogspot.com/2007/10/petition-to-revoke-church-of.html, where you can sign a petition to help revoke this 'church' of its tax-exempt status, thereby (and i quote) "reducing it to nothing more than a dungeons & dragons club full of nerds who follow the teachings of a space cadet, take out the trash for mum, read dianetics books and masturbate to pictures of l. ron using tears for lubrication."
next on the menu...
item namba 08. taoism noun
[mass noun] a chinese philosophy based on the writings of lao-tzu, advocating humility and religious piety.
the oxford has the following to say on taoism:
the central concept and goal is the tao, and its most important text is thetao-te-ching. taoism has both a philosophical and a religious aspect. philosophical taoism emphasizes inner contemplation and mystical union with nature; wisdom, learning and purposive action is abandoned in favour of simplicity and wu-wei (non-action, or letting things take their natural course). the religious aspect of taoism developed later, around 3rd century ad, incorporating certain buddhist features and developing a monastic system.
and might i add: that joining a monastic system, adopting certain buddhist features and actively devoting oneself to humility and religious piety sorta makes me feel like it might fuck with my wu-wei, and who'd wanna risk that.
general gist: wax on, but don't you dare wax off! simplicity and wu-wei, not wisdom, learning and purposive action!
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